A Time for Reflection & Hope

Time for Reflection & Hope

I think I can do more things like others. 
It’s like having lots of ideas and motivation to do things but what pulled me down was that I can't execute all these ideas. 
As my brain & body can't synchronize well with stress.

I am in a situation whereby it is like, I think I am a good driver but being given an old car that keeps on breaking down along the way.

Being in a place seeing others achieving, makes me more compelled to compete as well.

But it would make me feel more frustrated & useless if I can't achieve what I think I would be able to achieve.

I am kind of excited to try to keep pushing myself, thinking that I can train my brain & body to accept more level of stress.

However, I finally come to an awareness that somethings are beyond my limits.
I can't control the immunological/neurobiological contributes of my illness.
I have being given several lines of treatment but developed side effects to them.

Being on steroids has made me being cushingoid & has also reduced my self-esteem.
Being on double immunosuppressants had caused me with uncomfortable menstrual irregularities & adding on risk of infection, osteoporosis as well as increasing my risk of malignancy.
Being given iv cyclophosphamide, had possibly caused me to endure mild left neurosensory hearing loss.

I would want to continue to live life longer without enduring the adverse effects of high doses of immunosuppressants.

I would want to continue to live life longer without having multiple SLE flare-ups.
As after each flare, I noticed a slight decline from my previous cognitive functions despite my illness is in remission.

I would want to be like a normal human being who is at their peak productive years.

I would want to continue to serve my clients well and contribute to the society.

I would want to be able to look after my 2 kids and see them both growing up.

I would want my old parents to live their life comfortably without worries of their remaining years as my family are still financially dependent on me as a sole breadwinner.

I do want to age gracefully without depending on others for my basic needs.

Perhaps, I just need to accept that I can't be pushing myself out of limits anymore.
And it would be a time to start asking for the right help.

RIB 23 March 2017


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